I am nuts

Me? Bastard?

Was reading lmd and a couple of posts make me really think back on my past.

Ya, I'm one of those bastards that she mentioned. I'm not proud of it, but I never hide that fact. I seriously believed I was going to hell at the point of time, if you consider some of the things I did. Luckily, I'm not a religious person so it did not really bother me. I'm not sure why but woman usually find me 'non-threatening', just another 'nice guy' when all I was looking for is yet another night of sex.

I'm not sure what got into me in those couple of years. Maybe its due to the loss of her, or maybe its due to the loss of faith in love, I dunno and I have no wish to find excuses for my actions. I've hurt alot of people along the way, many of whom displayed their dismay when they really found out what I was like, despite the intial good vibes that they have from me. I played that to my advantage, like a cat playing with its food...

I guess in a way, playing this game, and winning, makes me feel like I'm worth something. To be able to seduce or rather sell yourself to a total stranger is so exciting, tantalising, such an ego boost.... guess that was what all that was about....

I no longer have that urge. Not since I meet her. :) But then again, sometimes I wonder, will I ever go down that route again? When one day, I do not feel loved or wanted anymore, and I'll need to do something to justify my self-worth. To a guy, that means to fuck around. Pathetic but true.

posted by Nutcracker @ 3:10 am