I am nuts

who do you blog for?

Just looking at the counter for the blog. Realised that there are like 100+ views there. Then I kinda wonder why I put the counter up in the first place. Do I really care how many people is reading this?

I have two blogs, one here, and one at xanga. I post most of my personal stuff there, stuff that is so boring that you would not be interested anyway. I like that blog alot. I had it for like two years and known a whole group of virtual friends who feels like I know them and they know me, but we have never ever met. I dun feel comfortable meeting up with new people, I never like to socialise. Which is apparently abit weird considering that I'm a Gemini and I can be really whacky and fun(especially when I'm drunk :P) but I just dun like to get to know new people(again, unless when I'm drunk).

So I had a comfortable existence there at xanga, writing just about everything, and having my virtual friends commenting on them, knowing my deepest secrets, yet I know that they won't ever tell cos they dun even know what I look like, let alone who I am. That is, until I made the mistake of letting my (now)girlfriend knew about the blog. Suddenly, I feel that I cannot blog freely cos I will be judged. She was the one and only person that I know in real life that knew I kept a blog. I suddenly feel I have to present myself in a better light. We were not together yet back then, but I had an interest in her, and I can't exactly blog about the flirting session that I had the previous night with whoever it happen to be when I drunk. Now that we are together, I can't exactly blog about arguments and the fact that I think she is being a riduculous spoilt bitch.(not if I wanted the arguments to stop) Suddenly, I feel crippled.

Those entries went into private posts. But the thing about private posts meant that only I could read it. No longer can my virtual friends comment on them and tell me that I'm a jerk/bastard/poor sod. I lost the feeling of actually blogging something off my chest, cos only until I know that someone knows how I feel or what I'm talking about would I feel justified. Its like I'm not 'suffering' in silence, someone knows. Pathetic huh?

Its a love hate thing. I look at my counter going up, and I'm glad in that I feel I'm being heard, yet at the same time, I dun really want people to know, or understand what I am actually feeling. I will then move away from personal thoughts and posts. How contridicting. Who should we blog for??

posted by Nutcracker @ 1:21 am