I am nuts

Feeling terrible

I'm feeling damn terrible, in more ways than one. Besides an aching heart, for some reasons, those sickening looking rashes that tormented me so much a few mths ago seem to be making a comeback on my palms.. hope its just my imagination as I have been rather paranoid about seeing any rashes on me since that incident.

My eyes are also swollen I think probably due to contact lens wear. Bloody hell, I only wear them for less a once a mth and for less than a couple of hours during the interview and now both are swollen and I'm experiencing double vision in my left eye. Hope it will go away with more sleep, but with my kinda luck, think I better go see a doctor if it doesn't clear up by tomorrow, which means more $$$ wasted. Sigh. When will things be better again?

Been doing a lot of thinking. Have I really done everything that I can for this relation? Did I see this coming yet choose to ignore the signs? What could I have done? I seriously do not have an answer.

Some people are just born the way they are. I am never born to be the life of the party, with fun and novel ideas for a date every single week. But did I try to be creative, be more spontaneous, be more pro-active? I'll say hell yeah. Could I have tried even harder?? Perhaps. Possibly. Highly likely. But do you really expect me to keep trying and trying when you don't even wanna go along and try out some of the things I suggested, instead choosing to carry them out with your friends instead? Should I have stopped you from going out with your frens and doing activities that we should have been doing together instead of wanting to give each other space to have our own friends? I can't really help it that I'm not as fun as some other people, is being a couple all about having fun? Can we only share good times and not the bad?

I keep thinking to where we had gone wrong. Does the fire just die off like that, without any emblems that can be rekindled with a gentle stir? Or has the fire actually burnt out cold long ago, before I even actually started to notice? Did someone just came along and pour water over the fire? What other external factors are there? What are the internal triggers? I have no answers, I get no answers. Yet I'm someone that need an know something for sure, else I can never just stop thinking about it. Its haunting even my dreams.

真的是死不瞑目

posted by Nutcracker @ 6:47 pm