I am nuts

It never rains but it pours

Just when you thought things could not possibly go any worse, it does.

I don't understand how so much can go wrong, so many bad things can befall a single person. Am I like a fucking asshole in my previous life that I have to go through so much shit, time and again. I have to grow up faster and tougher than most kids from a young age, learn to fend for myself, protect myself, earn money to feed myself etc when all the other kids you see can have their parents and maids cooing all over them, pampering them, fufilling their needs. I am proud of myself getting to where I am today, and I spit in the face of those weaklings. But deep down, I always wanted to be just like them, to be able to live a simple happy life, where you don't have to keep watching your back to see if something will go wrong and even when it does, there's always someone that you can fall back on, someone that will always be there for you regardless of what you do, how low you fell. For close to 2 years... 2 fucking years... I thought I had found that.

Of course, I am just being naive. As I said, and should have known by now, NOTHING good will ever come to me. Another lesson from the school of hard knocks for me. This time, I'm not sure if I can bounce back... I simply don't have the strength anymore... I'm really really tired.. How many times over simply the past couple of years had I have to go through shit just to get to where I want am. And now, at the end of the day, all the effort has gone to naught, I have barely half of what I started off with in my bank account, nothing to show for it, a worthless piece of paper they call a degree that cannot get me any job, and my pillar of strength had just collapsed right over me, crushing any remaining spirit that I might have left in me. I am now totally nothing.

I was stupid. Really. If only I had maintained my mantra in life of always holding back, always never giving your all, cause you never know when 100% of your effort will come back and smack you right in the face. If I had only put in 50% of the effort, it will hurt 50% less, and I would have another 50% to start rebuilding again.

Karma. It always comes back to bite you in the ass. Maybe I deserved it for being the bastard that I was. What else can I expect? Bastards end up with bitches. Who am I to try to defy the odds?

Still, it could have been worse. I had planned to get a special tattoo to commemorate our anniversary. Tattoo is for life, and I thought you would be too. I'm not sure if I could spend the rest of my life looking at the tattoo, and thinking about you, and have my heart broken every single day.

I know I sound bitter. I am. For all the effort that I had put in, for all the things I've done, for opening my heart for one single time in my life. This is what I get.

But I do not regret for one moment, that you were once in my life. I can still remember the blur look you always have when you walked into class and it would bring a smile to my face. I still remember how I blushed when I first talked to you. I still remember our first disastrous date, and how miraculous it is that we can still go on to have a second and third date. I still remember your funny hairstyle that made me unable to speak properly due to choking from laughter. I still remember the very first time I held your hand and kissed you in chinablack. I still remember our long walks together at cosy bay and west coast. I still remember you cooking for me, and waiting up for me to return from work.

When I close my eyes, I see your smile, your antics, and the image of you just resting on me. It'll bring a smile to my face. Or a tear.

This is getting too hard for me.

posted by Nutcracker @ 12:30 pm